i think a need a blog again…

i do not how to start. there is so much things in my mind right now. there are a lot of things going on in my life that I can not simply say to anybody because i really hate it when people judge me with my decisions. this is the reason i need to start blogging again. I used to blog before when i was in college. That was the time dial-up pa ung internet. yes! i was very active doing blogs back when i was in college at talagang tyinaga ko ang pag-bblog before kahit dial-up pa ung internet. there were not enough to see in the internet back then. there was no facebook, youtube, buzzfeed, 9gag and others before! kaya the best thing to do was make a blog of my everyday activities and immortalize the thoughts and feelings at that time. i forgot the address of that blogspot i had before. but damn, I was such a DRAMA QUEEN before. well, that is the purpose of blogs to put here everything you want to say without heed and regret. pero marami pala nakakabasa nung blog ko before. i do not know kung bakit kasi friendster lang naman meron dati eh. kaya i stopped making blogpost kasi medyo masama yung nasabi about one person which was about our thesis project back in college. ahehehehe! but that was it… pero of course ang laki rin ng gulo inabot nun especially when it came with the guys i used to like. ahehehehe!

okay, enought with the backtracks… to start of, i think i am on the verge of depression right now. I do not know what really is going on with me right now! ang gulo! i feel so alone and lonely here in Taiwan. yes, i have friends here.. filipino friends even! pero it seems that no one understands me that well. parang hindi ako masaya dito.. i feel so alone talaga! i drank a┬ácan of beer a while ago and bar of kitkat because i really need endorphins. I really do not like this feeling. maybe because of what’s been happening recently.

let us start with the stipend i would be getting.. damn it! when i went here i was thinking that i would be getting TW$16,000.. but no! the acceptance letter that this god-forsaken school gave me is so misleading. I would be getting just $12,000!! that is like P18,000! parang mas malaki pa ung nakukuha ko when i worked sa xavier! tapos mas konti pa gastos ko when i was in the philippines so may matitira pa dun sa sweldo ko.. pero $12,000?! i do not think that would be enough. OO, magastos ako! OO, maluho ako! but that would not be enough to the amount of work that is expected from me. when I was in xavier i am getting more than P20,000 and i just have to prepare the things the teachers needed for their class. there is not so much brain power involved it’s all common sense and practical stuff! but for that amount? for a phd student? who needs to think for your own self? who needs to work and understand every single experiment and interpret all those ridiculous data! i think it is not enough.. yes, i will get the degree free of charge. yes, they are paying for my housing.. but it is still not enough to the effort i have to give just to publish one paper.

minsan, tinatanong ko nga sarili ko.. “what did i put myself into?!?!” “why did i chose this path?!” “WHY?!?” nung nasa pilipinas ako i was not thinking about this. kating-kati ako umalis sa pilipinas noon, until i found the reason for me to want to stay in the philippines. (i do not want to elaborate on this because it deserves it’s own post.) pero yes! parang iniisip ko ngayon, sana di na lang pala ako umalis sa pilipinas.. mas sanay naman ako sa chaos in manila. somehow i miss its grittiness and filth. kahit maasar ka na lang sa mga tao na parang napaka-irresponsible citizen of the philippines, you will just somehow say, “mga pilipino talaga!” na parang di ka rin pilipino. this is the only thing that i realized while i am here, “nothing feels the same as home!” alam mo yun?! yung tipong malungkot ka, alam mo kung saan ka pupunta.. alam mo kung sino pupuntahan mo. they are just one message away from viber. yung tipong gusto mo lang magpakasaya, alam mo yung place that will never fail to uplift your spirit. di ko alam… pero if there is a place where i would like to grow old to, its the philippines.

let me give you an instance.. pag malungkot ako, and i am fucking bored with my life when i am in Manila. ppunta lang ako ng Makati, masaya na ako. umupo lang ako sa starbucks sa 6750 and drink a frappucinno at mag-yosi, okay na yun sa akin eh! kaya nga i can wait for someone just sitting in starbucks.. maglakad lang ako mag-isa sa glorietta, sa greenbelt.. happy na akoo dun! pero when i go to starbucks here, parang “huh?!” may kulang eh… it really does not feel the same. parang gusto mong umalis na agad… parang hindi comfortable! ewan ko ba! it feels different! it really does!!

pero pinili ko to eh!! actually, it is easier to get a phd degree here in Taiwan compared sa philippines. you have all the resources here in Taiwan. tapos hindi pa masyadong mahirap yung mga courseworks, unlike sa pilipinas na kulang na lang pukpukin ka ng professors mo sa sobrang hirap ng mga tinuturo nila. mas lenient ang mga professors dito. and sure talaga na matatapos ko yung phd ko within 4 years. i really hope i would be able to finish it in 3 years kasi i really i want to graduate as soon as possible. I really hope so!! i can’t really wait for me to finish here. oo, 2 months pa lang ako dito at gusto ko na agad matapos ito! hinde ko talaga alam kung bakit i feel so miserable here! it’s probably because of that someone back in the philippines whose making it hard for me that we are apart. but i do not want to go tell that story here.

and also, i really wish that my stipend would be $16k. kasi, that i was really i expected. I would have thought that the university would be providing the other $4k. BUT NO!! i somehow was not able to read the acceptance letter carefully. that $4k will still be from my professor. but he will already give me the $12k eh! and i the papers i signed was just for $12k. unless, my professor will provide me the other $4k, which i really hope will happen! putang ina naman kasi itong school na toh! napaka-labo! pabago-bago ng terms nung scholarship!! haaaay!! kasi when i talked to my professor november last year, ang usapan would be i would be getting $16k. 8k from the university and 8k from the lab. tapos by i think june or may naging $4k na lng. good thing my professor is very generous enough to give me an offer of him giving me $12k para the total will still be $16k. but NO!! the other 4k pala will still be coming from the professor! which is unknown to him because i was not able to fully understand the terms that yung 4k na yun would be given from the university!! yeah, malabo nga talaga! pero puta, ANG LABO LABO NAMAN TALAGA NILA!! PAKSHET!!

wow! this is blog somehow made me feel less miserable. I was able to just let all things out! kahit medyo incoherent ung mga pinagsasabi ko pero i really need a medium where i can just say the fuck what i want where no one will judge me. i just need an outlet to just fucking let all these things out. pero there is really still one thing that’s been bothering me. yung kay Erl! i think i need to collect all my thoughts and feeling before i start pondering on that more. isa-isa muna! di pa rin xa nag-tetext sa akin……………. and i really miss him!